26th July 2005

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get,
it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."
-Anon.

A very cool morning to all!
You can say i'm off today. But still, guilt fill dis vulnerable heart of mine. It's been awhile since I've been to work. Heard that things are goin crazy there. Sigh..I can't run anymore, its back to work 2 days from now. Since I passed my tests, the full commencement will resume on the 8th of next month.
My hearth fill with worries..The thought of goin back to work, sigh..The ppl dare, is making me NOT wana come back to work. Only 1 or 2 that will put a smile when i see dem..
Its been only abt 6mths since my posting. I've lost the firery feeling to go to work. No longer enthusiated to be there. Thoughts of leaving is slowly creeping in..What has become of me? Totally demoralized. Still 4 yrs plus to go..Still so many things to learn.
I suppose its da ppl n management n da fact that i feel i haf NO FREEDOM..sigh..Its soo tight..
I feel as if i'm suffocating. i not sure if i'm cut out to be in this rank n file system..
As fer now, there are still a few ppl that puts a smile on my face at work.
I shall use dis oppurtunity to futher my studies. After that then i'll decide if i want to stay or not.

AS fer my love life..well, 1 step at a time. Yes, I'm still traumatized n wounded by my past. But I'm so fortunated that God gave me sum1 new. She's been patience wif me although at times i tend to be looking back at my past. Selfish at times i feel. At times I feel as if I'm betraying her. To be living in the present yet my soul is in the past. Sumtimes I wonder where my heart lies. Its neither here nor there. At times, I can't feel anyhting, I can't feel the Love at all. I guess this is wat my ex went through wif me. Inability to feel love for that sum1. But Thank God, on n off the feeling will come back. And when dat loving feeling comes back, I record it in my mind. Just in case if i loose it again. Yesterday was a blessing, I miss my boo..hahaha..Aint the first time, but a rare one! We had quite a long talk yesterday. I've been talking to her roughly..Perhaps its because i can't feel da love. up to a point when i confessed. I was acting the way because i needed to see for myself if she has any feelings for me. She rarely voice out her feelings. Of coz she shows but i can't differentiate whether its genuine or she's naturally like dat! She very playful, loves all her girlfrens and sumtimes act lesbionic! Perhaps being de only child has deprived her of siblingly love. hehehe.. Where was I , She kept mum when I told her why I was acting so, then she gave a disappointing remark! Bein da happy go lucky person, who knoes no sadness! I cant remember wat she said but its da tone n expression of her voice dat was a turn off. Her best fren did mention to me abt her being "care-free" but before she could continue, boo was already back at the table. I guess her best fren was trying to tell/advice me sumthing but i interuppted her then boo came. Sumhow i guess i dun wanna know wat she wanna say but then again..By the way after the disappointing remark, boo tried to make it up then she started to explain herself, she quoted things that happened while we're together. Trying so hard to explain this n dat...Well i know ur like sooo a "virgin" in terms of relationship..Like dating a sec 1 girl! hehehe..There are pros n cons. Truth is, its was a TORTURE while trying to concentrate n fighting SLEEP! *lol* Soooooo soorryyy BOO!! haha..Masya-Allah, da sleepiness was soo overwhelming! but al least i managed to recall sum points. By da way, ade ke she labeled my laughter as "MIYANG".. ayooo..my artifical n original laughter/giggle she cant even differentiate! And one more thing, she said when I was wif her best fren, we were SOOO MIYANG!! wats wif dat? hehehe..jelous eh? i was just laughin along! Gosh! hahaha..

My body is aching all over...Miss working out! Hahaha..Wasn't a satisfying workout yesterday but its better then nothing. I Thank God, for giving me my undisturbed rest days! Since the beginin of this mth, hardly tasted my rest days. Its almost month end, n i finally had time to self-reflect. To haf time to myself. To think things through. To spend my time wif my mom n family...

I end today's morning entry with a quote:
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
-Helen Keller