dA tRuTh iS fInAlLy oUt

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Finally..In da mist of thunder n heavy downpour, da truth is finally out! I'm pretty shock myself. Din expect dis to happen AGAIN! Masya-Allah.. This is far beyond my control. Perhaps within it lies a teaching. I do wat I can, I leave Da rest to HIM.

9th November 2005

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Life's taken an unexpected twist. All I have been looking forward to is fading away. Wat has happen? Wats da meaning of all dis? Questions..Questions..Questions. I dun wanna hurt anyone, especially boo. But wat is goin on? We had a small chat yesterday, n it turned out all wrong! I said things dat I did not mean.

Wats my next step? Wat am I to do wif my life? I dun wanna remain stangnant all da time. I wanna create several milestones of my life! Dare r a few goals in mind I'm considering...but y da sudden shift? Me n boo haf grown further due to our work demands. Seems dares lesser time to spend wif each other. Seems i growing more n more independent..

O yar! Its still Hari Raya! Gosh I felt as if its over! Speaking of which, I dun think I can make it dis outting dis coming 13th. Sigh..Can only gett off at 8pm. Dat is, if all goes well. Seems like most of my colleagues r having courses on da 14th. Werk! Ahh..Yesh werk..Heard da reshuffling is canceled, coz it caused lots of uprising n unhappiness plus, my "boss" is getting transfered sooner den expected. He sure is a high-flyer!

Some still ask, whether i've gotten over my past, truth is, i'll never will. But, to forgive, is da biggest step to fogetting abt da past. So, dats wat i'm doin. To forgive. Of course, wif it comes sorrowness but hopefully I can move on. Just a side note, dis has no bearing to wat is goin on wif me n boo. So dun make assumtions! Coz Assumtions is da mother of all FUCK UPS!

Dares nothing much fer now, da rest is all in my head, processing..n processing..n processing..
Y?..Y?..Y?.. Y not? Y dis? Y dat? Y must I? Hopefully i wont loose my mind. Always in deep thoughts. Dis worries me a lot. Even when I'm wif my frens, i'm not present..

6th November 2005

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Salam Lebaran!
Dis year's lebaran was filled wif sooo many challenges, but wif patience n perseverance n da Baraqah givin in da holy month of Ramadan, it became BEAUTIFUL!

Dis year's Lebaran, i did not celebrate it wif my dearest. Its a first. No matter wat in da past, somehow we'll get togetger n patch things up just b4 raye. But dis time, God took her away n replace it wif something even MORE! EVEN BETTER! Frenz n Family! n of course dat special sum1.

Yesterday, I had my open house. the surpise was overwhelming. Frenz from my pri sch, frenz from my sec n frenz from werk. Somehow we managed to put aside our differences n made peace. Perhaps dats is wat my awah fren wanted. Fer all just to put aside our differences n make peace. Perhaps his passing is a blessing in disguise!

Speaking of which, my frenz n cousin n i visited my arwah's family right after Solat Adilfitri. Dey greeted us wif joy n when its soon to make a move, her mother teared in grief. Dat broke a tear in all of us. Realisin da fact dat he's gone. Make God haf mercy on his soul.

So i though y dis yr would be any diff, so i visited boo's house after i got home. Facing da fact dat i haf not slept well, coz dat mlm raye, we went to geylang up to 4am! Hahaha..Wow! Human TRAFFIC JAM!!!

I just dun knoe wat else to say. Dares sooo much things dat happen. So much things i learnt abt my frenz. things dat make u tear..How we haf all changed. How we all haf been tested by God. Its amazing, how we all are in touch tight now. I'd say all things happen fer a reason. I'd say its a miracle. I pray dat may God allow us to continue our beautiful frenships till end of time. May it bloom n never fade. May God be wif us all n may God haf mercy on us all.

Once again, Salam Adilfitri, Salam Sejahtera.

EiD muBaRaK

"Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Ampun Maaf kepada semua seaindainye terkasar bahasa atau salah silap"

A very Good morning! A lot has happen dis ramadan. Filled wif lots of dugaan. But Syukur Alhamdullilah, setiap kejadian ader sebabnye dan rahmatnye. Di bulan yg penuh Rahmat ini, bila ku lihat balik kejadian2 yg berlaku, air mata hampir2 menitis. Di sini lah ku hampir hilang nyawa ku, disinilah ku hampir hilang bonda ku, di sinilah ku hampir hilang arah dan akal..
TEtApi disebaliknye, semua ade sebab2 tertentu, Allah maha mengetahui, Allah maha Adil, Allah maha Suci. Subbahanallah...

Again dis morning, I was haunted by my past. The more i look at it, the more i realise how much my soul 'sanjung' her.. Dun get me wrong, I aint looking at da past. Perhaps its because, every yr no matter wat happens we never fail to get back during Ramadan. And every 1st day, I never fail to visit her family. Dis time its just diff. I feel like i'm cheating sumhow. but who am i cheating? Sigh.. I knoe Boo's been upset n very patience wif me. But its me who's impatience..
I could almost cried in my dreams just now, Oh dear God, how long more will u torture my soul..

To look more on da positive side, I got in touch wif lots of my frens. The long lost ones, da trator whom noW is a fren, the new frens...A new bike...A new life fer my mom..And most importantly, A NEW STRONGER ME!

TO ALL MY FRENS, DA LOST, DA OLD, DA NEW, DA EX-TRATORS, MY LOVE, N MY PAST,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI,

SEANDAINYE KU BERDOSA TERHADAP MU,

KU MOHAON AMPUN DARI MU, HALAL KAN MAKAN MINUM KU

MOGA ALLAH REDOR'I KAMI SEMUA

28th October 2005

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Just got back to wat seem a very long day..Just completed de Fire Simulator Instructor Course. Pretty kewl! Its amazing how modern technology can recreate various diff fires!

Today somehow dares a smile on my face..Y? Coz my bike's 'runnin in' is almost complete! Finally dares POWER! Else i can't even go beyong 80km/h! Almost fell asleep several times at dat speed! Dangerous!

How's my mom doin? Haven visited her. Doc said she got some kidney infection n suspect her havin a small stone in da kidney..Shssshh! Can't dey just confirm it n get it over n done wif! I seriously lack of sleep, my eyes r like swollen..n I hafta finish my werk..grrr..Getting agitated easily..

Oh well, ya all take care. Selamat berbuka!

TiMe 2 LeT gO...

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Good morning!
Just had my "sahur". After the drowing incident wif my bike, well, actully during da time i was swimin fer my life, I realise how much I love aini. Took me awhile but, she's growing on me. At times, i won't speak to her fer days, its not dat i dun wan to but i just can't. yeah i knoe its very wierd. But when i can, i try to keep her as happy as much as I can.

Letting go of my bike was a big sacrfice. Its like saying goodbye to my past. I think dat bike alone has eaten up to 10k! Gosh! A really bad investment.
Its not just da bike, but I let go one of my arowana, my discus, my kois! the house was just too messy wif all dese pets!
Just now, the 3 kittens n their mother was left somewhere far away..They're a really more den a handful to take care of. Shitting here n there! N da mother shit in my neighbour's pots! Boy was she making so much fuss, all da way up to da market n relatives!

I haf not started to plan fer da chalet.. i knoe some r disappointed abt it..Insya-Allah I'll look into it. Perhaps if its impossible to organise one, we'll just replace it wif an over nite bbq. See how lah..1 thing at a time..Nitez peepz..

A sErIeS oF uNfOrTuNaTe eVeNtS..

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"
Eleanor Roosevelt

A Series of unfortunate events some might say.. After one incident to de other, some may find dis darkness unbearable. Perhaps thanks to this holy month of Ramadan, there's actually light even thought its pitch dark..

I just came back from Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Its my mom... She hospitalised now. Still under observation. The Docs suspect her havin some sort of infection in her kidney and the presense of stone in her kidney. I totally din know how to react when i got home from werk. I was sleepin (din sleep at werk..) n my mom mumbling something then she just sad by me in agony waiting fer me to wake up. I was literally fightin myself to wake up. Gosh who can bear to see their mother crying in agony. Wats worst i found out she was in worst condition n my dad din wanna call da ambulance. Boy am i pissed off wif him! Called some stupid doc to come over! Wat da Fuck was he thinkin! Is it a question of money over life? Wat went through his egoistict mind!
Heard my mom was sufferin through da whole nite... Oh Dear God..Now hopefully she's in good hands now. Wonder how's she doin..

Last week i ran into some sort of an accident..It was a Sun..It was raining da whole day, and some areas of Singappore was actually flooded. I was on my was home from TPE n i decided to take a short cut through Seletar Airport. I came to the round about and there it was, TOTALLY FLOODED! The car in front of me attempted n made it. I din spot de other cars whom were actually stucked dare! It soo cold dat i din stop to access da situation. The method was correct, to engaed in first gear/half clutch and high rev. BUT! I was looking down to ensure it was not too deep, without realisin dat i was off-course! There is actually a 3m deep drain dat runs across the round about!!! In short my bike went in n ...Da current in da water was sooo strong..Luckily i managed to grap hold of something..Told myself not to panic but to SWIM!
Kinda kewl experience..Dat nite after break fast, da TP called, said da bike had been found! lol..So I cycled dare to find my bike in da 3M DEEP DRAIN STILL STANDING UPRIGHT WITHOUT A SCRATCH!!! lol Costs me 60 buck to extricate dat bike n to transport it to my workshop.. After werk i straight away went to my werkshop..n sigh..just as predicted it'll cost up to 1k to repair it. so i though..just to give it up. It holds too many memories..n it has swolled too much money..So i decided to trade in da bike!

My eyes cant take it anymore..i like sooo exhausted..need my sleep..continue some other time..haven really sleep since i got back from werk n i'm on course later..sigh...

4th October 2005

"I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do"

Eleanor Roosevelt

Good evening!
Wah! Its FASTING MONTH! How time flies..How time flies.. Yesterday had a mini gatherin at a nearby coffeeshop wif ma ex pri mates..Mar, Rin, Yani, Im n myself. It was pretty much a last minute thing. Mar decided to haf a gatherin to welcome da month of ramadan. We too discussed the upcoming chalet in Dec. They wanted a special kinda gatherin n dey wanted a chalet. IN DEC! So I though y not..since its my badae y not i sponsor da chalet! *lol* I've never had a chalet b4. I mean to organize one! I haven decide to make it an all frenz thingie or famli n frenz kinda chalet.. I still haven decided which kinda frenz to invite. Dun get me wrong. All r frenz just dat sum won't get along wif de other! n I dun wan my main circle to be left out.

Well, dats a dist worry. Fer not, I'm kinda demoralized. DAres a reshuffling n i hear dat I'm bein transfered out to another Rota. Sucks man..Sigh..So 'm like feelin gloomy..

Boo n me? hmmm..making things work. Feels responsible fer her..kahkha..I'm still on da move. Wif so many last min workshops n courses n meetings..Sigh..Dats life aye! I serously need to improve my fitness. Its slacking..Gosh sooo many Goals to achieve but soo little time to work fer it. Enough of my whining. Addious ppepz! Take care ya all!

28th September 2005

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
-Aeschylus

Good Afternnon!
Its rainin CATS & DOGS! And I got to attend AAR @ 1430 @ Telok Kurau Camp! Ayoooo!! Seems like a tiny reanactment of a hurricane! "Sisir Aúzubillah!" Strong winds n heavy rain. Scary de man! Anyways, hmmm..dun really know wat to blog abt. Lets see..

Finally I'm like restin at home. Doin nothing much. Been on da move since my bike got out. Hahaha..Its wierd dat so many last min things crop up. Fortunately i got transportation.

Seriously I dun knoe wat to blog abt. Except dese past few days, my mind has been on my bike. Thoughts abt upgrading n how serious i am abt riding. Thoughts of how dangerous it is. Yesterday, i made 2 mistakes dat was dangerous. I had a pillion! Wat da F%*$ was I thinking! I'm afraind of ridin when my mind is half shut down. Unable to reason my decisions in time. Its no joke. Which is why i prefer to keep to da speed limits. i rather ride on da safe zone n let others say wat dey want. Unless ur absolutely sure then u should make ur move!

2 yrs on public transport wat do ya expect! but somehow it seems like yesterday I was riding. I still recall how naive n hot tempered back den. Made so many foolish decisions. 2yrs of fasting made me value wat i haf. Da freedom to ride, my bike n most important life itself. I enjoy riding be it in da fast lane or da slow lane. It gives a sense of peace. Especially at night when dares no one on da road.

Bein a rider ain't dat simple. Dares a code of conduct u hafta follow. I'm not talking abt those laws n all. I'm talking abt street codes! Disrespect em n others may intrepete ur challenging em! In other words courtesy. i dun wanna go too detail in it. Lets talk abt attire wise. i'm a little particular abt da attire i wear when i'm riding. Firstly i dun react to cold very well. Which is y u always see me wearin a jacket n long pants n shoes. If i can i wanna wear my gloves, but it looks a little over! Hahaha..Seriously when it get cold, i can really shiver..Especially at night.

Why jeans, jacket n shoes? Well, besides da coldness, its da safety aspect. Prevention is better den cure. Simple as dat. Some ask why do i always wear my jacket inverted. Answer is simple, aerodynamic. At first i ignored all dese but dare was one point when it poured cats n dogs, i was wearin full rain coat back den, gusts of wind seems to be trapped by my jacket, creating a kinda parachute effect causing u to steer out of course easily. Den dares another reason, When I was young, i observed y all these uncles wear it all inverted! Now I know y!

Things just dun happen without a reason. Think abt it. Observe n ask y! Seems like da "mini storm" has passed! I can see clear skies. Its time fer me to get ready now. Cheers peepz!

Norlyana's 22nd bdae celebration

Norlyana's 22nd Bdae

Greetings!
Had an advance bdae celebration on 25th sept 2005 at Sembawang Park. Who was dare? Shirin, Mar, Yani, Hafiz, Im, Lyana n myself..7 in total..
Mar baked a cheeze cake fer da bdae gerl..khakha..while Rin did da sketch book! Me? rushed ard to get one PHOTO PRINTED!!! khakha..Expensive sia!

Oh well, Darlin couldn't make it. She wanted to but dhe got her own bdae party to attento plus drivin lesson. So told her not to rush. Khekhe..
Her she had loads of fun. So did I..Thank You God. It was like a blessing.

Anyways, da bdae gerl kena psycoed to BLANJA US ALL!! lol So we went to ermm..wats dat place called..beside Mobil..Along Sembawang Road..Erm..Rubiah or smtg like dat..

So now..I'm like full..later looks like a long day at werk! Cheers! may God bless us all!
May One day our path cross again! May God Bless US ALL! Amin!

25th Spetember 2005

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
-Aeschylus

Greetings,
Just read someone's blog, I think she got my name wrongly SPELLED! Hahaha..
I know u haf put in soo much effort, but i just cant help it. Fighting this feeling. Guess i'm cursed. Unable to feel love at all. Love is indeed "suatu anugerah dari Tuhan". At time I'd miss u but at times i just feel anger. But.."aku pasrah, adakah ini suatu ujian bagi ku? Ape pun jua aku terima dgn iklas."
All feelings haf been switched off. Dares da desire to be alone. To be wif HIM. I haf failed once to be in solitute..I dunno wats goin on. My mind's always flying off but my heart is thinkin of HIM. I dun mean to hurt u. I just need time to sort things out. Dun worry its not dat of a big deal. ;)

Werk? Had a friction wif one of my colleague, but luckly i kept cool..its like suddenly i lost all feelings n my focus was on him..Awaiting fer him to to cross da line. Din think of it much till i got home. The thing abt controling ur anger is dat it'll eat u up when ur cooled.. Its like u cant let go.. At da same time u dun wanna blow up or vent it all out. Perhapz u wouldnt wanna make things more complication. Perhaps u wouldnt wanna hurt de other person. I tried sleeping over it but still..Hahaha..Masya-Allah..

Oh well, today my ex pri frens r celebrating 2 of our frens bdays. Seems like dese circle of frens r pretty much strong n on goin. I thank God fer dat. just sad Boo cant be join. She wanted but its too rushing. So i dun wanna tire her. Let her focus in her TP. All da best!

Seems like a good weather to wash my bike ;)
Addious peepz..Take care!

22th September 2005

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
-Aeschylus

A very Good Evening!
Yupz I knoe i've been away fer quite sume time..hehe..Been on da move lately. Especially wif my baby! I've never traveled so wide! been to geylang, bishan, bedok reservoir..upper changi..etc..etc..
haha..Last time was darn scared to move ard..Now seems adventuous..ape ke tak, 2 tahun PUASA!!
But still at times a bit scarry...
Ayways, today was rather disappointing, i was really looking forward to a movie butt..sigh..
o well..I'm like soooo exhausted..
seems a lot of stuff coming..but cant think wat now..
To all ya peepz! take care yar! Just because i'm not ard or not reply does not mean i'm not thinkin of ur all! peace ya all!
May God be wif us all..

Where's da food! 

Lets Fish! 

My very first fish! Ikan Grapu! 

My baby now.. 

My baby back den.. 

100th Post!

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
-Aeschylus

Good Morning!
Wow! Finally got time to blog! This is my 100th post! amazing how time flies! Last i remember i was hearth broken and i started to blog..hahaha..How time flies..how time flies..
I just got back from JB..y? haha..
Went in to pump petrol n ehem..do some minor adjustments..on wat? hahaha..(read on..)

Wat haf i been up to? pretty much by myself actually. no time spent wif boo too.. I dunno wats happenin..But i hope everything will be fine. So, as i was saying, wat haf i been up too..so far i can remember 3 major events dat made some impact on my life. Firstly, was da D&D @ Pan Pacific wif Boo..her workplace's annual dinner..First time i attended some function like dis..Secondly, da fishing trip I had wif my colleagues. We went deep sea fishing sometime back. Can't really remember when. Few days back i think..We were on a boat somewhere ard West Coast..N guess wat, I caught my very first FISH! Masya-Allah..Wat a great feeling! Learnt so many knots..Soon i think i wanna start fishing..

Next is, I JUST GOT BACK MY BABY!!! Yupz my long lost BIKE!! We've been apart fer like 2 yrs..Miss him so much! Got it last Sat..So dis make me my 2nd day riding it..For the first time, I really enjoyed riding! Din mind at wat speed, just ride..I remember dat night at da station, my first time washing my baby after so many yrs. It brought back memories.. I Guess i almost teared..Haha..well, u knoe i know..If u dun den..u hafta read in btw da lines! ;)

I think I post some pics on my blog..I'm feelin kinda lonely now..dunnoe if i miss boo or..ermm..sigh..hahaha..y cant i just let go..

Boo's been very patience wif me. Am really messed up. Dunnoe lah wat to do..Sigh..Bearing dat in mind, i'like trying to give n take..Sigh..We've haven been talking much..Just a hello n bye kinda thing. Dunno wats happening..sigh..

Enough of my rambling..oh dear, da cost of petrol is really high now..In Singapore i can only get abt 5 litres compared to M'sia where i can get a full tank..Ayoo..Pretty expensive..Aight..aint feeling too Gd..night..

13th September 2005

"When the heart has acquired stillness, it will look upon the heights and depths of knowledge, and the intellect, once quieted, will be given to hear wonderful things from God."
-Hesychios the Martyr

Hmmm..
Greetings...A bit gloomy.., Yesterday was boo's bday..din "happly" sepnt time wif her. was raining n all..Bought her a fossil watch. Latest design wif latest PRICE!! haha..worth it.

Wat i do today? went ard spending 50 bucks. bought vcd, sushi, marker, fish food..By da way, i cycle all da way to woodlands (actually just after sembawang) to meet my long lost baby..Sigh..when will we be reunited again! I urge fer dat day to come. Soon..soon..insya-allah..

me n boo? actually on da rocks. Me as usual..dun knoe wats wrong. I'm holding to my safety line..nothing too serious to worry abt..(i hope..)

o well, werk..werk..werk..

Goodbye Titi

Passed away on 9th September 2005